Day 42

“While it is impossible not to wonder whether God could have done all this some other way—without allowing all the misery and grief—the cross assures us that, whatever the unfathomable counsels and purposes behind the course of history, they are motivated by love for us and absolute commitment to our joy and glory.” –Timothy Keller from Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering

It takes me a long time to recognize and admit when I’m angry. I don’t like feeling angry. I run away from it, shove it, explain it away. I’m not angry; I’m hurt. I’m not angry; I’m sad. I’m not angry; I’m confused. Anything but anger. Yet it creeps in, slowly. It weighs on my spirit until Y’shua has to shake me to attention. You’re angry. Admit it. He can’t deal with it until I admit it.

Y’shua told me a week ago that I was angry. And I still haven’t fully come around to looking that anger in the eyes and owning it. I don’t want to be angry. But writing this out is a first step, a small victory. The tears and wailing at God will come later, but I’m always relieved when I get to that stage. Let’s be honest folks—a good hard cry is like therapy. And when I get to that stage it means I understand something enough to grieve it, one more piece of the puzzle interlocked with the rest of me. But back to the fact that I’m angry (see even here I am avoidance driven).

I’m angry at Aaron. Sure. But the bigger portion of the anger is directed at God. Last week Y’shua was telling me how much I delight His heart, and my heart was filled with a question.

Me: What about Aaron? What about the way you love him?

Y’shua: What about it?

Me: It doesn’t feel like he deserves it.

Y’shua: Aw, the truth comes out.

Me: He doesn’t deserve the pain you put me through.

Y’shua: You’re angry. At both of us. But you’re angry that I love Him that much when he doesn’t seem trustworthy of my love.

The ugly truth is that I want God to have a double standard. I want His unconditional love for myself and conditional love for Aaron. Which means I’m trying to be the judge. I’m trying to be God. That’s called PRIDE, IDOLATRY, CONTROL. Admitting this doesn’t make me look pretty. But it’s an honest confession of my heart. And my perspective is biased. Of course I’m going to think I’m right and he’s wrong. That’s default human nature.

So I’m left to grapple with letting God be God—and not resenting Him for acting in a way that is honorable and just and in-line with His character—even though I can’t see the outcome. Y’shua loves who He chooses to love. Like that parable of the workers in the vineyard. Some worked all day; some only part. Yet the owner rewarded all the same. I have no right to be indignant at God over the way He loves Aaron. If He loved Aaron conditionally, He’d have to love me conditionally and that’s not somewhere I want to go. I’m in love with a God who equally loves—the sinful, the undeserving, the rebellious, the angry, the prideful, the repentant—He can’t help Himself. It’s who He is. And that’s good news. I know it is. It just doesn’t always seem that way in the immediate future when we are hit with life and wrestle through injustice and suffering, grief and pain, betrayal and confusion.

And then there’s the factor of how I gave God permission to do whatever He wanted with my life years ago. And then I get angry when I don’t like His choice. Kind of smacks of being hypocritical. God be God. Oh wait, except when I want to be God. I definitely haven’t arrived. If you take anything about from this post, it should probably be that. I’ve got plenty of more processing to do.