As I stated in my last post, Y’shua is in the processing of
stripping me down and stripping me down and stripping me down—almost like He’s
systematically going after each area of my life so I’ll be forced to turn to
Him and only Him. And when I can peel back the pain and look at things from my
spirit (rather than my mind, will or emotions), I remember that Y’shua told me
this is all His kindness, His tenderness, His goodness towards me. And I
believe Him. I really do believe Him. But a friend challenged me last week—I
have a love/hate relationship with the things that come out of this woman’s
mouth—to consider whether or not I’m walking out what I believe.
My first instinct was to say that’s not fair. I’m dealing with all this hard stuff and I’m not
running away, I’m not turning my back on God, I’m tired beyond measure. Isn’t
this enough until my heart feels better and my life attempts to right itself? It’s
more than most would do, right? And aren’t others my standard of comparison? Oh
wait, that last sentence should be delivered dripping in sarcasm.
My second reaction was, Oh
crap. I’m exhausted. I want to give up. But I’m stubborn. I’m sticking it
out because I’m not a quitter and because I know I’ll be miserable if I do
anything other than what God wants me to do. But that’s not enough. It’s not
the full package to simply dole out the actions of obedience with a miserable
heart. If my belief is that God is good—what’s more, is that He’s been good to
me—then my life should reflect that belief. What does that mean? If Y’shua has
been good, tender, and kind, then my heart should be full of gratitude. I
shouldn’t be drowning in sorrow, walking around wanting people to pity me,
thinking I deserve special treatment because I’ve been through so much. If
Y’shua has dealt bountifully with me then I should feel loved, and a loved
woman would get out of bed every morning motivated to fight for the one she
loves.
I’m not talking about fake happiness. I’m not talking about
ignoring the grief and living in self-denial. But I do have a choice to make
each morning I get up—a choice that presents itself to me over and over again
one thousand and one times throughout a single day. Will I dwell in the
negative or will I dwell in the bounty of God’s goodness? Will I complain or
will I be grateful? Will I agree with Y’shua, or will I agree with the enemy
and act on the belief that I’ve been robbed? Will I focus on being lonely, or
will I focus on the awareness of Y’shua’s presence in my life? I have set before you life and death,
blessing and curse. Therefore choose life…
It seems an exhausting goal to set, to do this over and over
and over every day, like I’m going to fail before I even begin. And yes, if I
try to do this, it will be exhausting and I will fail. In order to live as if
I’m loved, I need to know that I’m loved. And that “knowing” has to be a
knowing of intimacy and experience, not just the head knowledge that the Lord
is good. I need to reconnect with being His beloved. I need to be able to trust
His love for me even when it feels harsh and know that it’s tender. And that’s
something I can’t do for myself.
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