Day 22

On January 17, 2014 I put this verse in my journal and wrote down the following…

“The mountain of the Lord is higher than all the others, all the nations will flow to it.” Isaiah 2:2

My life flows to you, Y’shua. It’s yours; not mine. My engagement and future marriage flow to you. It’s not what I want; it’s about what you want.

            Y’shua: Yes, but know I have your good in mind, daughter.

            Me: Loving Aaron is my chance to live out the gospel.

            Y: It is your chance to live out the gospel. It will be hard and beautiful and sanctifying and a sacrament of worship unto me.

Here’s another truth I remembered today and cried sharing with the girls in my house—Y’shua has answered my prayers. That day in January is not the only day I’ve offered my life to the Lord and told Him I want whatever He chooses. I’ve asked to be transformed, to be sanctified, to not be left the same, mediocre, unchallenged. And this season with Aaron is His way of asking, did you really mean it? Will you still mean it now when it actually costs something?

I never imagined in saying, Lord, whatever you want, that a broken engagement would be something He would choose. This doesn’t fit my box of what sacrifice and sanctification look like, and yet here I am being sanctified. When Y’shua told me loving Aaron would be hard and beautiful and sanctifying and a sacrament of worship, I thought He was referring to the refining process I hear marriage instigates. I never thought it would be this. And yet, what He told me is still true. Maybe even more so now. He led me to love Aaron. And every step of the way was hard and beautiful and sanctifying. And even in our separation that is still true. In some strange way, saying no was my way of loving Aaron too, of acknowledging the Lord had something better for us both, of refusing to enable his dysfunction, of pulling the truth out onto the table where it could no longer hide. What he chooses to do with this opportune pain is his choice. What I choose to do with it is mine, and I want to get to the other side of this and not just be okay, but be fully satisfied in the Lord’s choice for my life.