I tried to encounter the Lord today and at first it was a
disaster. I had a lot of questions, things I wanted Him to address, to show me
what I could do to fix things that weren’t right. But as I talked with Him I
didn’t feel safe. I was frustrated and unable to connect, unsure of His voice,
filled with doubt.
So then we switched tracks. He took me to a place in my mind
that was just a big blank darkness. Formless and void. We sat facing each other
in the middle of this nothingness. I could feel all my worry and frustration
and this jumbled mass of concern trying to hammer its way in. Suddenly Y’shua
stood up commandingly, spread His arms, and pushed it all back. I’m going to do this, He said. You are not going to do this.
I tend to approach healing (like all other aspects of my
life) as a task or challenge to tackle and master. If I just work at it hard
enough healing will come. And then it’s so frustrating when it doesn’t work and
I swing around and land back in the same mess again. Today Y’shua told me He’s
not going to heal something until I have learned the lesson of how to let Him
do it. I have a niggling suspicion (perhaps my stubborn tenacity) this might
take a while.
Stars appeared in this place of black void. We lay on our
backs looking at them. But then the sky cracked as if it were a ceiling.
Someone above was breaking a hole. Light poured through the opening and hit me.
Exposure. Chunks of plaster (or whatever that ceiling/sky was made of) fell,
landing all around me. Me, covered in dust. Don’t
move, Y’shua said. Stay right there.
I have so many hard things on my plate right now—grieving
over the separation from Aaron, generational tendencies that grief has exposed,
girls in my house (especially one) that are hurting and need a heart-transforming
miracle. In all these areas my impulse is always what can I do? How can I
find a solution? How can I fix it? I have so many questions. I need
solutions. Those things were the chunks of sky falling around me, coating me in
their mess, nearly smashing my head. And the Lord says, don’t move. You need to just lie there. Another chunk falls. Look at me. But don’t move. Just look at me.
How do I do this? How do I take situations that are
screaming for solution, choose to partner with the Lord, and yet in that
partnership do nothing. Let Him do it. Stop moving. Embrace the mess. Look to
Him for the solution. Be okay with not getting a solution—at least not until
it’s time, or not the one I am expecting.
I walked home and looked up that verse in Psalms, be still and know that I am God. Psalm
46 is all about God coming to do war on behalf of His people.
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of
trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way [or ceilings
crack and fall]…
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy
habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved.
[She is still, not
doing anything, stable and it’s because God is with her.]
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; [even bigger scale than my
problems]
He utters his voice; the earth melts.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
He burns the chariots with fire.
“Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations.”
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