Day 33

Can I measure the worth of one soul? Can I put a price tag on what is worthwhile to let them know they are loved, to be a part of their journey to the Lord?

I wrote in my journal on September 7 as I was expressing my fears to Y’shua about being able to make a decision to choose one man and no other when there is no going back: When I told Y’shua it was scary He pulled my face up gently to look at His. Look at me, He said. You’re not afraid of Me. He said He’s giving me Aaron, and I don’t think that’s me hearing from my soul. I’m still unsure, but His voice was confident, repeating it several times. That doesn’t mean marriage. It just means that now in this moment, this season, He’s giving me Aaron.

Someone told me this week that I may never know the full reason for why things happened the way they did, but she said the Lord found me trustworthy. Aaron needed something from this season, from the farm. And the Lord entrusted me to love him, to be the connecting piece. It seems a steep price to pay. I gave him so much of my time the past eight months, time that could’ve gone to my roommates, my family, my friends. I gave him my affection. I believed in him. I prayed for him, encouraged him. I sacrificed financially. I laid down my personal preferences. I told him I love you, something I’ve never done for any other man.

Some moments I’m tempted to think it was all a waste, that it robbed me. Would my relationships with my roommates be better if Aaron hadn’t been in the picture? Did he distract me from other things I could’ve or should’ve been learning or doing? Did my love for him steal from what I can give my husband someday? I could follow that rabbit hole a long ways…but I don’t want to. If I’m honest, my questions really translate to: was Aaron worth my love? Did he deserve all that sacrifice? From a human perspective—no. He wasn’t transparent and honest. He wasn’t worthy of stewarding my heart. And that’s where the boundary of the Lord’s protection stepped in to separate us. But from a kingdom perspective, was he worth it? The answer has to be yes. Was it worth surrendering my life to love a man for seven months because Y’shua wanted me to? I can’t put a price tag on that.

Part of me wants to know what Aaron is choosing to do with his life now. Did my sacrifice and love change him? Will he make stronger decisions now? Will he get out of debt? Will he know the Lord in a deeper way? Will he be more humble and teachable? I hope so. But I can’t measure the worth of what I gave based on how Aaron chooses to use it. I gave because Y’shua asked. That has to be enough. And Y’shua says Aaron is worth it. I was worth it to Y’shua, so Aaron must be worth it to me.