Day 32

I’m beginning a journey back through my journal entries over the past nine months. It’s something I’ve known I would need to do to find healing. Understanding. Clarity. I just haven’t had the strength to face up to it till now. I’m looking for answers to questions. While I’m expecting to find some, I also know this process is bound to raise even more. But maybe the point is to identify what all the questions are, and then come to terms with what isn’t answerable. Let God be God.

As I read just the first few weeks of entries—our first phone conversations, first meeting, the wrestle in my heart over fear in choosing to say yes to giving us a chance—one thing stands out the most. I desperately wanted Y’shua’s direction, and I asked Him for it over and over again.

July 17 – Abba, what are you up to in the midst of this? Lead my heart.

July 19 – Abba, give me wisdom how to proceed wisely, to guard my heart where necessary and yet be open to whatever this is…How can I test who he is and see what he’s like in his weak moments?... I’ve never felt this way before. Is that a good thing? Is Aaron capable of partnering with me, leading me spiritually, shepherding my heart in a healthy way that will sanctify and draw the best out of me?

July 27 – He’s interested and I’m going to keep talking to him, but if there are red flags raise them and raise them quickly. Protect my heart. If this from you bring wise counsel and peace.

August 8 – I sense a growing affection and emotional investment and pray that is the Lord’s leading and not just my flesh wishing something into being…Show us if we might serve the gospel better together than apart. And if this not of you, bring the doors clearly shut.

August 12 – Abba, that’s your job to guard and shepherd my heart. Bring clarity.

From the beginning I asked the Lord to lead, which creates the following realization—I have to trust that He did, that he answered my prayers. He didn’t answer them the way I expected or wanted. The timing wasn’t right from my perspective. But he did answer. He raised the flags. He brought the needed counsel. He offered clarity. He protected my heart. It took seven months. My heart cries why so long? Yet can I really question God? He was faithful. He spoke in time. And He is good. This I will not question. I cannot afford to question Him in this.

I spoke this past week with a woman in whom I have a lot of respect. I brought her some of my questions and confusion about what it means to hear the voice of God, the mistrust I have of myself right now to hear correctly. She told me it’s not about you being able to hear correctly. That puts the burden on your shoulders. You are fallible. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll mis-hear. It’s about knowing that God is always speaking, and that He is capable of making known to you His will.

I’m still mulling that over. It’s going to change the way I pray, the way I understand God’s will. It goes against a lot of what I’ve been trained to do and believe, that discerning God’s will is largely in my court, dependent on how close I can make my connection with God, how well I can hear Him. But if it’s up to God to be clear with me then that makes Him God and me not. It puts me in a position to rely upon His grace, His direction, His sovereignty—everything that makes Him God.

The realization sinks like a balm into my panic over whether or not I did something wrong in making decisions about Aaron. Whether I heard right or not, Y’shua came through in His timing. He made his will clear. It wasn’t too late. He broke through. He answered my prayers. So there’s nothing left for me to do accept be grateful, to see His firm, merciful love—His severe mercy—bleeding through the mess.